 Chortler Features
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WORLD NEWS
Gretzky Is Right; International Plot Against Canada Confirmed
Intelligence sources have confirmed that allegations made by hockey legend and world affairs expert Wayne Gretzky on Monday evening (Wednesday morning in Newfoundland) concerning an American conspiracy against Canada are true. The sources told postdocme.net that the plot against Canada has existed ever since the country was founded. (So far nobody has bothered to look at a Canadian history book to find out when that happened.)
According to long-standing State Department policy, the approach used by the United States and other leading industrialized nations was to ignore Canada. This approach had been remarkably effective until last week when the pairs figure skating scandal broke out and Canada started playing an increasing role in such bastions of American cultural life as The Tonight Show.
Long confined, along with Finland and New Zealand, to what has been deemed the âaxis of obscurity,â Canadians have now developed a greater sense of their national identity. A survey conducted last week by McKenzie Brothers Polling demonstrated a record 65% percent of Canadians admitted that they actually enjoyed curling.
The heretofore immensely successful American conspiracy also included a widespread effort to block Canadian cuisine, Canadian television shows and Canadian fashion, such as parkas and toques, from hitting global markets. The plot was originally designed to prevent the sort of outbreaks of Canadianization that have been seen over the past several days.
However, while the threat of global Canadianization has increased in recent weeks, many look for the controversy to subside.
"I think this is just a storm in a pot of Tim Hortonâs coffee. Pretty soon things will get back to normal and we can start forgetting Canada again. So lighten up and have a beer, eh," said Dr. Stewart Bland, a leading analyst at the Labatt Institute of Canadian Affairs.
Copyright © 2002 postdocme.net
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