 Chortler Features
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BUSINESS
CEO Steps Down For Personal Reasons; Heâs Going to Jail
James R. Cretin III, the chairman and CEO of Spinron, the worldâs leading producer of upbeat press releases, is abandoning his post effective immediately.
Cretin said he felt his control at the helm of the multinational manufacturer of nothing in particular was becoming increasingly tenuous after receiving a seven-year prison sentence for bilking investors, employees and family members of millions of dollars.
Cretin, 56, started his prestigious business career as a teenager pushing Ponzi schemes. From there he cheated his way through Harvard Business School, became the finance minister of Argentina and also served as an Olympic skating judge, before finding his true calling as an executive of a major American company.
Together with his partner Kenneth Slick, Cretin formed Spinron last January. Within two weeks the pair had created one of the top ten companies in the country.
Spinron quickly managed to corner the market for cheery press releases, specializing in phrases like "we are very optimistic going forward," "we are looking for a turnaround by next quarter," and its patented "we are cooperating fully with the SEC."
Despite the fact that the company has never made a profit or a product and its top executive is in jail, analysts and investors are confident the companyâs stock will rise in light of the many more great press releases it says it has coming down the pike.
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