 Chortler Features
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WAR ON SNACK FOOD
Additional Snack Food Attacks Feared Ahead of Super Bowl, Olympics
As the war on snack food enters its third week, United States officials are urging citizens to be prepared for more possible attacks in the days leading up to the St. Louis Rams and New England Patriots Super Bowl game in New Orleans and the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.
With just three days to go before Americans prepare to spend untold hours watching grown men beat the living daylights out of one another, only to have other grown men (and women) discuss why for hours more, sources are predicting the possible threat of additional snack food attacks similar to the one which struck the White House on January 13.
"These freedoms, which we hold so dearly, cannot be taken away from us. The freedom to eat all the fatty foods that is humanly possible without moving and without foreign intervention has been a right of American citizens for centuries," declared one official.
Nevertheless, leading purveyors of snack food violence are expected to make every effort to bombard the US junk food market in the coming days, and citizens are urged to be careful in deciding what to open and how they eat it.
Food profiling
Also at issue is the governmentâs controversial decision to profile food. "If we see foods consisting of more than 30% sodium or 30% sugar, that is ultra-crispy or chewy, then suspicions are gong to be raised," said an unidentified government spokesperson behind a barrel of popcorn.
"This is prejudicial. How come nobody ever warns about the dangers of carrot juice or soybeans? Why is it always junk food that gets picked on?" demanded Hershey von Frito de Nabisco, chairman of the American Association of Junk Food Eaters.
Developingâ¦
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