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SELF-HELP
The Bush Administration's Quick Guide To Solving Some Everyday Problems
Nagging spouse Be subtle. Call them names like 'old', 'irrelevant' and 'unhelpful'. Then discreetly say you are looking for younger, more vibrant partners just to the east of your neighborhood, who would gladly become yours if offered the right price.
Bratty kids There is a simple, one-word solution for quelling dissent and rebellion around the house: duct tape.
Noisy neighbor Tell him to turn down that racket or face serious consequences. If you still think you are hearing something, then begin to amass several hundred troops along the lines dividing your house and his. Provide him with an ultimatum to leave his house within 48 hours. Ignore what other neighbors think. Obliterate the house to smithereens. Let the other neighbors clean the mess up.
Stubborn weeds in the garden Traditional gardening implements are not enough to confront this bothersome nuisance. Instead, you should hire a few rigs and start drilling a great big hole around where your wife planted the zinnias, day lilies and roses. The weeds will be gone in no time.
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