ACCOUNTS Honest, Honey, I Don't Know How My Penis Wound Up In Another Woman's Mouth
It all started the night I was playing for the Cubs and accidentally put a whole bunch of cork in the bat I normally use in batting practice. The same bat I inadvertently used to hit 505 career home runs.
It turns out that the next morning day I was called upon to testify at the UN about whether or not Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction and I said: “Of course they do, anyone who said otherwise would be a lying, conniving ne'er-do-well” when I meant to say “there is no proof of that at this time.”
Later that afternoon when it was time for me to give my company's quarterly report, the words “we expect a further $40 billion in revenues next quarter” somehow slipped out of my mouth when I should have said “we are filing for bankruptcy and those executives who haven't fled the country are about to be indicted.”
Then that night I innocently offer to give a woman I never met before a ride home. And instead of bringing her back to her place, forgetful old me brings her over to our place where I somehow manage to drop my keys on our bedroom floor and she by chance happens to kneel down to pick them up just as my hand unintentionally unzips my pants.
Talk about a weird set of things happening to one guy during the course of a single day.
But it just goes to show that these sorts of things can happen to anyone. And yet, perhaps because we have become such a jaded society of late, nobody is willing to believe it.