 Chortler Features
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SPORTS
Firsthand Report from an Olympic Figure Skating Judge
When I left my job last month as an auditor at the Houston office of Arthur Anderson to become an Olympic figure skating judge, I had no idea that controversy would follow me all the way here to Salt Lake City.
This whole uproar over the decision in the pairs event almost reminds me of the fuss that ensued when I sat on the jury of the O.J. Simpson trial, or when I outlined the formula for New Coke, or the period when I served as Gary Conditâs PR manager last summerâ¦
If you happened to miss the figure skating competition at the Olympics earlier this week, I can say that from my vantage point it was very exciting indeed, though I must admit I was a little distracted by all the movement going on under the judgesâ table.
The Canadian couple skated flawlessly throughout, while the Russians did not. Because of the clear difference in their performances, my decision was therefore made all the easier: the Russians should be awarded the gold medal, the Canadians silver.
Yesterday, Vladimir Putin called to tell us that we, the judges at this yearâs Olympics, were representative of the fairness and unbiased judgment that has come to symbolize international figure skating competitions.
I would also like to add that the people here in Utah have been most hospitable. Many have taken a keen interest in my own personal health welfare, especially after the competition.
"I think you need to change your eye doctor," said one skating enthusiast.
"If I were you, I would have my head examined," advised another.
One person even went so far as to offer to send some of Tonya Hardingâs people over to my room to make sure I was okay.
Yet another told me that as long as I was in Utah the people here would make sure I had enough crow to eat to last me a lifetime.
Well, thatâs all I have time for now. Soon I must hurry off to my next assignment, an election observer for the Iraqi government.
-- written by an anonymous figure skating judge from an undisclosed location
Copyright © 2002 postdocme.net
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