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MARTIN STEWART'S LIVING
Words Of Wisdom From Americaâs Most Admired Handyman
(Helpful household hints to start the new year.)
Nobody likes working around the house as much as I do.
Perhaps you are full of ideas, but are concerned about your budget. After all, fixing up your living space can be expensive. Well, I can assure you that any home and garden can be made beautiful on less than I spend on beer in a month! It just takes know-how!
Letâs start with that garden. First, borrow a bulldozer from a neighbor, and take no more than 400 sweeps across the garden. Be careful not to knock the fence into the swimming pool; if you do, however, I can help you make the necessary repair with a tube of toothpaste and 50 pounds of plaster, so not to worry!
After you have leveled the garden, take a break. Operating a bulldozer is rough business, so sit down for a few minutes, put your feet up and grab a can of your favorite beer.
Once you are all rested, take your dump truck and buy a big, fat, smelly load of manure from the nearest farmer (if you apply 10 cans of cooking spray to the dump box before loading the manure, it will slide right out when you dump it. It also makes cleaning the dump box a breeze!). If you donât have a dump truck, and I realize some people donât, borrow one from the neighbor you borrowed the bulldozer from.
Dump the manure on the garden, again being very careful not to let any fall into the pool. Removing soggy manure from a pool is doable, but somewhat unpleasant, so avoid it if you can! Now, run the truck over the garden several times, so that the soil is enriched by the cow poop. Next, get a load of topsoil and dump it on the poop. Now you are ready to plant!
With your garden all ready to take the seeds you will provide, and nurture them into beautiful flowers and tasty vegetables, the house will feel embarrassed if it doesnât get some TLC as well; letâs not neglect it now!
If you have siding, you have come to realize how tacky it is, so strip it all off! With just an ordinary hammer and a stepladder, you can have the siding removed from a typical, 6-bedroom home in just eighteen short months.
Now comes the hard part: you need to decide whether a stucco, clapboard or brick exterior is the real you. Stucco can be made at home, with 750 pounds of flour (use whole wheat for a browner effect), 100 gallons of water and 25 gallons of arsenic (if you leave out the arsenic, you will have a bug problem that will make the plagues of the Old Testament look like nothing!)
Bricks can often be obtained at bargain basement prices, if you know where to look. Is a mall being demolished in your town? Has there been a natural disaster, such as a flood or earthquake? Individuals and businesses often use such opportunities to do just what you are doing now, remodeling, and are often more than happy to have you carry away the wreckage of their lives. Donât let these opportunities pass you by!
Clapboard is a little more difficult to come by, but I have known countless people who have successfully bartered for it. Once your new garden starts to produce, youâll be surprised how anxious people are for the fresh zucchini you will be growing. Five zucchini can be exchanged for oh, say, 10 bundles of clapboard shingles. Just remember to fertilize that garden! You wouldnât want to have a house with half clapboard and half stucco! No, no, NO!
See what you can do with just a bulldozer, a ton of manure and a little know-how? Check out next weekâs article, where I explain how you can remodel your basement into a fully equipped rec room with items you probably already have. Until then, hereâs looking at you!
-- Martin Stewart
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