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VACANCIES
Dear CNN,
I would like to place my application to host the talk show currently being vacated by Connie Chung at your network. Of course, as I am still the acting Information Minister of Iraq, following the unsuccessful attempt by the American vultures to occupy our land, this can only be a part-time position for me. Enclosed is a copy of my resume.
Yours sincerely,
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
Minister of Information
Undisclosed Bunker, Iraq
 to mock and ridicule the pathetic, pitiable efforts by outside infidels to overthrow our virtuous, stable and freedom-loving regime. Experience 2003 Iraqi Information Minister. - chronicled the nefarious activities of the low-life curs that plundered our free and democratic land - cited the glorious and noble achievements of our heroic warriors against the vile, insipid turds who failed so miserably in their attempt to invade our country - defended the honor of the miraculous regime against the disgusting lies perpetrated by the sheep-raping vermin of the West 2002 Olympic Ice Skating Judge - upheld the sanctified name of Olympic competition by voting in favor of the honorable Russian skating forces over the putrid, despicable skaters from Canada. 2001 Enron Executive - provided consistently accurate statements maintaining the honor of this great company in the face of countless untruths manufactured by unscrupulous horse-thieving parasites 1998-2000 Wall Street Internet Analyst - promoted august and valorous corporate institutions such as Etoys and Pets.com before the thankless dogs who unceremoniously abandoned their shares under the misguided belief that companies need to make profits. Other experience: - served as inspiration for Dreyer's Ice Cream and Joe Izuzu commercials - advisor to President Clinton during initial stages of the Lewinsky affair - designed accounting seminars for Arthur Andersen Hobbies: - dancing in the streets of Baghdad to celebrate the defeat of the pathetic American and Zionist marauders |