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NEWS
Bush Vows to Continue Against English Language
President George W. Bush warned this week that -- although a large battle against grammar terrorists may have been won -- there was still a long way to go before he could declare victory in his war against the English language, a war which he started long before his presidency began.
"Wherever there is an infinitive to be split, I will be there. Wherever a participle is dangling, I will be there. Whenever someone confuses âeffectâ with âaffect,â I will be there. This fight is far from over. Grammatical-correctness must be rooted out," the president said in an effort to assure the American people.
Terrorist grammarians and their style and usage sister cells are still believed to be operating in several locations across North America and throughout the world, mainly at university campuses â yet there too their influence seems to be dwindling.
In some cases these groups have blended in with the rest of society and are leading otherwise normal lives. However, intelligence reports have recently picked the voices of some suspected grammar terrorists telling innocent people not to end sentences with a preposition and making distinctions between "intents and purposes" and "intensive purposes."
Meanwhile, fierce fighting was reported in the province of Strunk and White where several grammarians were said to have taken refuge. The grammarians were heavily outnumbered by linguistic forces loyal to President Bush who played live audio from the Super Bowl post-game show in an effort to drive out the rebellious grammarians.
Several grammar terrorists have been apprehended in recent weeks and sent to a detention center at Camp Mis-say, also known as Fredâs Bar and Grill in Topeka, Kansas. The administration has classified this group as "unlegal combaters" and claimed that the so-called âSafire Conventionâ does not apply to them.
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