 Chortler Features
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ON THE RUN
Radio Signals Pick Up Voice of Gary Condit
American special media forces have picked up radio signals that they believe to be the voice of Rep. Gary Condit, D-Calif., who has been missing from the public eye since September 11. The signals have helped to narrow Conditâs location to within a ten-mile radius in a complex set of malls and freeways that surround the hills around Modesto, Calif.
Nevertheless, forces operating in the field were not optimistic that Condit will reappear anytime soon. "Frankly he could be anywhere. After September 11, he seems to have just blended into the crowd. He could be in a mall, the freeway, playing around of golfâ¦Or he could have left the state altogether. We just donât know," said Brig. Gen. Connie Chung of the Salacious Gossip Squad.
The radio signals picked up seem to show that Condit is contemplating a return to public life. " Who knows? Who really cares? I may run. I may not run," Condit is believed to have said in a statement heard on North Dakota Public Radio during is 5 a.m. broadcast. It is the first time he is believed to have been recorded saying anything publicly that was not an evasion of the Chandra Levy question.
"I was just getting ready to go out and milk the cows," explained Frank Frankson, a farmer in Lautfurz, North Dakota. "Iâd darn near forgotten about Gary Condit, and it took me a couple cups of coffee before I remembered who he was."
This is not the first time the Condit has gone missing from the public eye. Until former intern Chandra Levy went missing, nobody outside his congressional district had ever heard of him.
Still, seasoned tabloid journalists warn that unless the media campaign is heightened up in the coming weeks, there is no telling when Condit will appear again.
Investigators believe that, though they may eventually find Condit, his credibility is still thought to be irrevocably lost. In addition, media special forces are hindered in their efforts to find Condit since their top officer, Geraldo Rivera, is in Afghanistan broadcasting on battles miles away from his location.
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