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NEWS
Ashcroft Justifies Use Of Canadian Slaves On Biblical Grounds
Attorney General John Ashcroft created a stir throughout the United Statesâ northern neighbor yesterday with the announcement that he intends to repeal the 13th Amendment to the Constitution on biblical grounds.
"You may buy your male and female slaves from the nations that are round about you ... You may bequeath them to your sons after you, to inherit as a possession forever," said Ashcroft, quoting Leviticus 25:44. from his family Bible.
"We share a 4,000 mile border with Canada. Why not take advantage of this great resource that is permitted to us by the Bible?" claimed Ashcroft.
Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien greeted the news with a brief plea: "Okay, weâll back you on Kyoto, Iraq and land mines. Just give us back our freedom."
The Justice Department acted quickly to assuage Canadian fears.
"We would never consider taking up arms against our good neighbors to the north. We would prefer buying our slaves outright," said a spokesman for the department.
Meanwhile, the White House voiced its support for the Ashcroft proposal.
"We believe this move would benefit both countries," said spokesman Ari Fleischer. "Just think how Canada can settle the Quebec issue once and for all. Plus Canadian slave labor would benefit the American economy by giving our maple syrup industry a much needed boost."
Phil E. Stein
postdocme.net
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