 Chortler Features
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NEWS
Report: Bush Knew of Canada As Early As Last Summer
According to a report published in this morningâs Washington Post, President George W. Bush has been aware of the existence of Canada since last summer.
The report claims White House officials were tipped off last June that there is land mass of roughly 3.9 million square miles with a population over 30 million inhabitants neighboring the United States.
The information surfaced after a federal agent in Minneapolis allegedly heard strange disturbances coming from the north last spring, around the time of the Stanley Cup playoffs.
"It sounded like thirty million people saying âhey, pass me another Molsonâs, ehâ all at once," wrote the agent in his report.
He immediately informed headquarters in Washington which then sent the message to the White House.
The Bush administration has thus far not acted on the information, despite repeated reports of Canadian infiltration into the United States during the figure skating competition at this year's Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.
The news has been sending shock waves throughout the countryâs political punditry, curling rinks and fifth-grade geography classes.
"It is an outrage that so many of these foreigners can just leap across our border, become an anchorman or appear on the cast Saturday Night Live without anyone raising any questions," said Haste Dimbulb, the popular radio commentator, in his morning address broadcast live over the Dubuque taxicab dispatch system.
"No wonder our hockey team got so good all of a sudden," remarked Bob Richards of Denver, Colorado when told of the news.
Developingâ¦
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