 Chortler Features
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OBLIGATORY POLLING
Bush Reaches 100% Approval, Minus One Vote
According to a recently released poll, United States President George W. Bush has achieved an absolute 100% approval rating, minus one vote. The poll, conducted by the Nielsen Häagen-Dazs service, showed that, if a popularity contest were to be held today, the president would comfortably edge out all contenders, including Abraham Lincoln, Mister Rogers, Julius Caesar and Bud Selig.
In fact, not only is Bush proving to be more popular than any other person who has ever lived, he is more popular than any object ever known to man -- more popular than even chocolate ice cream.
Excluding several people in Florida who were too confused as to how to pick up a telephone and answer the questions asked, Bush received a near absolute approval rating of 100%. "There was this bearded guy named Al who voted for himself instead of Bush. He was the only one as far as we know," explained political commentator and sleep consultant Morton Barnes. "However, there is talk that Katherine Harris and the Supreme Court may intervene on Bushâs behalf in order to cancel out that one negative vote and provide him with an absolute 100% approval rating."
"This is the first time a sitting president has been more popular than ice cream since the end of World War II," said Jonathan Spumoni, a dessert analyst at Spumoni Securities and Mufflers.
Among male voters, Bush was more popular than spending Super Bowl Sunday in a Jacuzzi alongside Eva Herzigova.
Meanwhile, with female voters, Bush surpassed Brad Pitt, Robert Redford and Tom Cruise in all categories such as looks, charisma and style.
Mrs. Epsteinâs 5th grade class in Hoboken, New Jersey represents some of the so-called "swing votes" that might have hindered Bush from achieving an absolute 100% approval rating. "Ever since Baskin Robbins started putting more nuts than marshmallows in their Rocky Road ice-cream, I like Bush better," explained 10-year-old Johnny Greenberg, who expressed the sentiments of many an underage voter.
In addition to winning a popularity contest in all 50 states handily, if an election were to be called today, Bush would win convincingly in all the countries of the world except for Iraq, Syria and France.
Placing President Bushâs popularity into a historical context, he now ranks as more popular than George Washingtonâs crossing of the Delaware, the final episode of M*A*S*H and verdict at the O.J. Simpson trial.
Michael Bloomberg, New York Cityâs mayor-elect, was perplexed as to how Bush could be so popular by spending such relatively small amounts of money. "I spent $93 per voter to make myself liked by everyone," claimed a bemused Bloomberg. "And here is this guy hardly spending anything and look where he is."
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