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REPORTS
Notes From An Armchair Warrior: Prelude to Battle
March 19, 2003 18:00 hours During a routine reconnaissance mission to dining room, I manage to locate three cheeseburgers, two portions of fries and four Budweisers. Within ten minutes, these potential weapons of mass abdominal eruptions are effectively neutralized.
18:30 Begin slow redeployment back towards command post in the living room.
18:53 Successful completion of eight-yard return to command post.
19:05 Channel 82 confirms solid evidence that Urkel may be engaging in activity that may threaten the lives of others.
19:29 Urkel threat thankfully appears to have been successfully prevented without me having to get out of my chair.
19:58 Routine surveillance of the kitchen reveals seven Twinkies, a bag of Oreos and 283 pretzels -- all of which surrender unconditionally.
20:17 False alarm. Fear of encroaching drone actually turns out to be Joe Liebermann giving a speech on C-SPAN.
20:35 Six bags of Cheetos, three Budweisers and nine Hershey bars make surprise attack within my field of operation. They are seized immediately.
21:06 Pressed the remote 607 times in the last hour. Fingers are already beginning to show the strains of battle before the first shot has even been fired.
22:00 After months of squirming, wiggling and fidgeting in my chair the President gives the go-ahead for war. Time to order a pizza.
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