 Chortler Features
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MEDIA
CNN Set To Team Chung With Condit
According to blatantly misleading sources, CNN is planning to bring together former television combatants Connie Chung and Gary Condit in an undisguised effort to boost flagging ratings. Chung is slated to leave ABC and join CNN where she is scheduled to interview Condit for one hour, five nights a week.
"This is a wonderfully brilliant move. Two thumbs up. Stupendous. Outrageously clever," said David Manning of The Ridgefield Press, the fictional critic who used to work for Sony Picture Entertainment but was recently signed by Chortler for an undisclosed number of stock options.
"Now CNN can help boost sagging ratings after the viewer apathy that has followed the victory in Afghanistan and get back to what is really important to America. Constant Chung and Condit every evening will be a step in the right direction," continued Manning.
CNN denied the reports of the Chung and Condit partnership, claiming was just an obvious attempt by Chortler to revive Condit jokes because they could not think of anything funny today to say about Kmart, Enron or Bud Selig.
ROYAL WATCH
Royal Family Denies Young Prince May Be Developing A Personality
Buckingham Palace went to great lengths today to distance itself from reports that a young member of the royal family may be developing a personality.
Rumors started surfacing last summer that a teenage member of the Royals was believed to acted in ways similar to ordinary youngsters throughout the world. The reports were later printed by The Skews of the Absurd, a British Sunday tabloid, which for the first time in its history printed a rumor about the royal family after it happened, rather than before it happened.
Upon admitting that he had indeed engaged in behavior similar to that of a typical adolescent, the young prince was promptly taken by senior royals to a suburban shopping mall and forced to speak with normal, everyday people. According to leading royal watchers, the experience proved to be such a shock to the young prince, who had heretofore been isolated in castles and elite schools, that he has promised never to engage in anything resembling normal behavior again.
"As you can imagine this is real scare of the British Royal Family," said Dame Doris Dingleby, a noted royal watcher and denture wearer. "Not since the tragic death of Lady Diana five years ago have we seen such an outbreak of humanity from the royals. After all, the British taxpayer is not funding their every move so that they can be like the rest of us."
NEWS
Terror Hunt Leads To Arctic Wildlife Refuge
Acting on reports that terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden could be hiding in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, United States President George W. Bush has dispatched 50 oil drilling rigs to the area. Several hundred support personnel, mostly former employees of collapsed energy giant Enron Corp., were scheduled to arrive within a few days.
"Now we have the unprecedented opportunity to hunt terrorists and boost domestic energy production all in one. If we can find some way of bringing in a missile defense system into the picture, then weâll be set," White House spokesman Ari Fleischer declared at a news conference.
The plan is said to have come about after Vice President Dick Cheney met with executives from Enron over recent weeks. The vice president and company executives discussed drilling, cupcake recipes and how to keep a drive from slicing before their meetings ended and therefore no time was left to discuss Enronâs finances.
Bin Laden is believed to be hiding in an area where there are very few people. Experts have thus narrowed the Saudi exile's possible locations as either a Montreal Exposâ game, a K.C. and the Sunshine Band revival concert or the Arctic Wildlife Refuge.
"We have vowed to the American people to smoke him out of whatever hole he crawls into," added Fleischer. "If he thinks he can hide anywhere in this world he is sadly mistaken. Particularly if there is oil nearby."
THE PRINTED WORD
Historian's Response to Plagiarism Charges
Historian Stephen Ambrose has admitted to copying sections of his new book about World War II bomber pilots, "The Wild Blue.''
"Nobody is perfect. Iâm only human. Live and learn," said Ambrose at a news conference after the similarities were discovered between his recent book and "The Wings of Morning,'' a 1995 book by historian Thomas Childers about the same topic.
"I guess I canât pull the wool over anyoneâs eyes. I know this is hard to swallow. I canât pull your leg. Whatâs good for the goose is good for the gander. What goes around comes around. I got my just desserts. Is it hot enough for ya? Hope springs eternalâ¦" Ambrose went on to say.
Presently, Ambrose is busy working on two books: Hamlet, a play about a Danish prince, and Gone With the Wind, a novel about the American South during the Civil War.
WORLD AFFAIRS
India and Pakistan Increase Demands
Despite the surprise handshake between the leaders of the India and Pakistan during a regional summit this weekend in Nepal, tensions between the two countries are on the rise after each listed a series of demands for the other to fulfill.
The feuding began when Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf said he would be delighted to start a dialogue with his counterpart Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee if the Indian leader would do his Jimmy Stewart impersonation.
Vajpayee immediately countered that would only happen if Musharaff performs a solo of "We Are The World" in its entirety.
"Not before he does sixteen somersaults backwards," replied Musharaff.
"Okay, but first he has to bowl a perfect 300," answered Vajpayee.
"Sure, once he tells me who led the American League in RBIs in 1963," riposted the Pakistani leaderâ¦
Meanwhile, American mediators say their efforts might better used trying to resolve less complicated issues like the row between Prince Charles and his brother Edward or the Middle East.
ENDANGERED SPECIES
Hunt Continues For Last Remaining American Liberals
After three months of intensive bombing in Afghanistan, the Bush administration has said it is close to reaching its objective of wiping out any and all support for American liberals. Officials now say they are negotiating the political surrender of the last remaining members of the American left.
Ever since President George W. Bush obtained a personal approval rating of 99%, ranking him just behind chocolate ice cream on the all-time list of popular things, liberals have found it next to impossible time to survive in the current political climate. More...
THE ADVENTURES OF SUPER PREZ
If It's Thursday, This Must Be Kashmir
Happy New Year, Feliz Ano Nuevo, Bonne Annee, Snovim Godim, my fellow Americans. As the most popular leader ever to serve public office, I felt it necessary to start the new year a written record of my presidency.
As you may know, there is nothing I like better than to wake up early in the morning, grab a cup of coffee, finish The London Times crossword, brush up on my Urdu and then reflect on the day ahead. More...
MARTIN STEWART'S LIVING
Words of Wisdom From America's Most Admired Handyman
Nobody likes working around the house as much as I do.
Perhaps you are full of ideas, but are concerned about your budget. After all, fixing up your living space can be expensive. Well, I can assure you that any home and garden can be made beautiful on less than I spend on beer in a month! It just takes know-how! More...
GERALDO'S NOTEBOOK
Dispatches From Our Man In Afghanistan
Live, firsthand reports from the action taking place several hundred miles away...
Nightfall. I can see empty shells all around me. I knew I should have chosen a less boisterous place to eat at tonight than the only seafood restaurant in Kabul. One shell just parted my hair. (And where is a star network journalist going to find a $300 stylist in Afghanistan?) More...
CONDIT NOSTALGIA
Radio Signals Pick Up Voice Of Gary Condit
American special media forces have picked up radio signals that they believe to be the voice of Rep. Gary Condit, D-Calif., who has been missing from the public eye since September 11. The signals have helped to narrow Conditâs location to within a ten-mile radius in a complex set of malls and freeways that surround the hills around Modesto, Calif. More...
PERSONAL FINANCE
Get Rich In Three Easy Steps
 Want to become a multi-millionaire in no time? Sounds too good to be true, doesnât it? But for those who have what it takes to become top executives at Enron, reaching your financial dreams is not out of the question.
Letâs face it: Not everyone is capable of making it in todayâs business world. The corporate boardroom is a pretty cutthroat place. And not everyone can lead a company down from $90 a share to below $1 a share in the span of a few months But, if you think you can pull it off, then why not consider becoming an Enron executive. More...
INVENTIONS
The Severely Hyped and Overrated Expeditor Is Revealed
 Following months of frantic speculation, postdocme.net can finally announce the new invention that is sure to revolutionize transportation just as sliced rye bread did to the pastrami industry last century.
Formerly known in some circles as "Third Person Singular Pronoun" and later as "Mary Ann," the invention will be officially known as the Severely Hyped and Overrated Expeditor or S.H.O.E. More...
ON THE FRONTLINES Notes From an American Taliban
Ah, this is the life. Up before dawn, a hearty breakfast of stale bread and water and then on to fight the imperialist Americans and their freedom-loving puppets for the bigger cause. A cause that is so big that it cannot be named and that I cannot possibly understand. That is why I am here.
Last night, I sat up and thought about how wonderful life is for me here in Afghanistan. Just me and the stars and 850 of my grubby, unshaved Taliban brothers. Why would I bother thinking about college and a career when I have everything I could possibly need right here amongst the sand, the rocks and the rubble of Afghanistan? More...
VIRUS ALERT 'Yawner' Virus Still Spreading Quickly
 Sleep researchers are warning computer users about a new virus that is spreading rapidly around the world.
The virus â called "Yawner" â arrives via email, disguised as a note from a friend with a new mp3 audio file attached.
But itâs really a malicious program that attempts to entice the user to fall asleep through a lullaby tune.
Yawner is "wreaking havoc," according to one researcher, having already infected thousands of individuals at major corporations and private homes. More...
NEWS IN BRIEF
Programming Note
Christiane Imaherenow, Chortler's chief international correspondent, will show viewers this evening that she is in Afghanistan. This will add yet another spot to places Imaherenow has been. Regular viewers may remember when Imaherenow was in Yugoslavia in 1999 and Iraq in 1991.
Copyright © 2001-2002 postdocme.net
Chortler is not intended for individuals under the age of 18
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