Mr. President, Please Criticize Me. I Need the Money

“In the two weeks since aides to President Obama took after (Fox News) coverage, the audience has been 8% larger than the previous two weeks.”

The Los Angeles Times, October 26, 2009

Dear Mr. President,

Like many Americans, my financial well being has suffered in the past couple of years and thus I seek your help. No, I am not asking for a loan or a bailout or any money whatsoever. Instead, and this may sound like a bizarre and perhaps a tad masochistic request, I am asking for you to criticize me.

The reason for my unusual appeal derives from the wonders just a few critical words uttered by a member the Obama administration can do for a business. The top brass at Fox News couldn’t be happier that people from your team have targeted it in their criticism. Viewers are flocking to the network – feeling compassion towards such softies as Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes while they are being picked on by what they perceive as a bullying administration.

The sort of criticism which I would like to have directed at me doesn’t have to be anything too elaborate. In fact, with all the issues you have on your plate – two wars, the aftereffects of the housing bubble, education, what you are going to say when you accept your Nobel Peace Prize. – I wouldn’t ask that you spend too much time thinking over this particular verbal attack. Perhaps one of your underlings, such as Press Secretary Robert Gibbs or Communications Director Anita Dunn, would be able to utter one or two negative sentences about me, with the understanding that they are being made in your name.

And you can pick on any subject you want for your negative remarks. The criticism does not have to be political. There are lots of topics you can choose from, simply ask any of my ex-girlfriends. Here, I’ll give you a couple of ideas in case you can’t think of anything: I’m lazy, I’m a little overweight, I never know when to use a semi-colon. So please, don’t hold back in your criticism.

According to my projections, an ill-spirited quip from you could provide me with at least an eight percent gain over my present financial circumstances, year on year. Extensive carping from one or more members of your administration directed at me would lead to a double-digit increase in returns. This would be followed by similar growth in 2010 and 2011 – assuming of course that the verbal attacks continue unabated. By the end of your first term in office, I could be in a position to double my earnings.

But while my own personal economic recovery will relieve me of most of the burdens I presently confront, it will not create much of a stir in the overall financial scheme of things. Hence, I would propose – judging by the positive effects negative words from members of the administration have had on the finances of Fox News – that you start firing more jabs at other big businesses which are ailing. In lieu of bailouts and subsidies, why not try a few insults? It certainly would save the taxpayers a lot of money.

To start with, why not go after the car companies with a zinger like: “You’re not an automobile industry and what you’re manufacturing aren’t really automobiles”? The result might be that the American public, so overcome with sympathy for the Detroit executives being lambasted by a domineering White House, would go right past the next Subaru dealership they see and buy themselves a Chevy.

Likewise, what if the much-maligned and propped-up banking sector were snubbed in the same way the Obama administration were snubbing Fox News.

The American people, sensing the unfair treatment being leveled from above on poor, struggling bank CEOs, might come running to their rescue with their own hard-earned savings and a perhaps even a little something from their children’s allowance.

But why stop at directing these inverse plaudits at issues in the domestic agenda? What if the administration were to launch a full-throttle verbal bombast of negativity at some of the other great global challenges of our day, ie, the ramifications of global warming or the stability of Iraq and Afghanistan?

With a few well-placed squawks and moans by a David Axelrod or a Rahm Emanuel followed by some heavy griping and grumbling from the commander in chief, the world could be at peace and the air we breathe would be clean.

Sincerely,

Sancho Glickman
President and Chief Coffee Maker

postdocme.net