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Dogs for the 21st Century

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by Meisha Rosenberg

In the past, dogs were herders, hunters and retrievers. A new school of thought, however, argues that today we don’t need dogs to round up sheep. Instead, we need them to make us feel special.

Now, thanks to some intelligent design, breeders are rolling out whole new lines of dogs.
The following list of modern-day canines was found floating around at Westminster. As with all breeds, potential owners should consider both the pros and cons before adopting.

The Home-Office Group

Fax Terrier: Energetic dog who can be trained by telephone. Needs bug-free cable-modem hookup.

The Laser Pointer: This breed’s traditional pointing abilities are put to excellent use in dog-friendly offices. Windows compatible.

The New Family Values Dogs

The Lug: A cross between the LabradorRetriever and the pug, this dog doesn’t think too much. Popular with young families. Special considerations: a drooler.

Soccapoo: Lives to ride in a minivan. Often seen herding 4-8 year olds on the soccer field. Competitive, not recommended in multiple dog households.

No-Bull Terrier: Despite its imposing looks, this dog is a vegetarian and meditates every day.

The Shopping Group

Pupparazzi: The favorites of celebrities,these lapdogs fit into purses and wear the season’s latest. Usually seen barking into a cellphone.

Penny Pinscher: A bargain at any price, these lookers have been bred to ‘alarm’ you whenever you’re about to take out that credit card. Special considerations: “Pennies,” as they are affectionately known, can be overly aggressive and pessimistic and need to be taught that not all shopping is bad.

Non-Working Group

Jet Setter: A relative of the Irish Setter, this dog is born with a rolodex. Special considerations: long hair,needs daily blowouts.

Sotweiler: Bred to call a taxi when its owner has had too much to drink. An excellent guard dog.

Platinum Retriever: For when the Golden isn’t good enough.

Meisha Rosenberg is writing a book about the human-dog relationship, which includes tales of her unique mutt, a Garbage Retriever. More info can be found at http://www.meisharosenberg.net.