Friday, March 18, 2005 12:19:20 PM
TRANSLATIONS
Mark McGwire's Testimony Before Congress, Translated
Mark McGwire: I am not here to talk about the past.
Translation: But I could show you this great Jimmy Stewart impersonation I have been working on since retiring from baseball.
Mark McGwire: I'm here to talk about the present.
Translation: Since it is, after all, St. Patrick's Day, these two Irishmen walk
into a bar...
Mark McGwire: Steroids are wrong. Don't take them. It gives you nothing but false hope.
Translation: How do you spell the word âasteriskâ?
Mark McGwire: There is a problem with steroid use in baseball.
Translation: Just in case the past six hours of political grandstanding in front of the cameras didn't get that point
across.
Mark McGwire: If a player answers 'No,' he simply will not be believed.
Translation: Thus, I cannot inform you with the highest degree of certainty that I
will not indulge in not revealing what
you do not want to not know.
Mark McGwire: If he answers 'Yes,' he risks public scorn and endless government investigations.
Translation: Is it me or did the temperature in this room just go up 50 degrees?
Mark McGwire: Asking me or any other player to answer questions about
who took steroids in front of television cameras will not solve the problem.
Translation: To reiterate, my answer is âyes, no, maybe I did, did not, or might have taken steroids.
Mark McGwire: What anybody can do to improve it so that there's no more meetings like this, I'm all for it.
Translation: Please don't take this the wrong way, I was really having a great time watching my reputation
vanish in the span of 15 minutes.
Mark McGwire: What I will not do, however, is participate in naming names and
implicating my friends.
Translation: I said my friends. I think Bonds is jerk like everyone else.
The preceding piece was donated to Chortler by the Marshall Dunn Satire Emporium.
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