Updated daily because we have nothing better to do.
Thursday, March 17, 2005 09:22:49 AM
TRANSLATIONS A Translation of Alan Greenspan's Recent Statements Before Congress
Greenspan: We were confronted at the time with an almost universal expectation amongst experts that we were dealing with a very large surplus for which there seemed to be no end.
Translation: Okay, we were spending Clintonâs surplus like drunken sailors on shore leave, but that youthful indiscretion is all behind us now.
Greenspan: I look back and I would say to you, if confronted with the same evidence we had back then, I would recommend exactly what I recommended then.
Translation: Sure, Iâd do the same wrong thing all over again if thatâs what it took to keep my fuddy-duddy job.
Greenspan: Turns out we were all wrong.
Translation: Thatâs how you get promoted in this administration.
Greenspan: Increasing labor-force participation seems a natural response to population aging, as Americans are not only living longer but are also generally living healthier.
Translation: Unfortunately, thatâs what happens when you take disease and famine out of the equation.
Greenspan: And I guess what is missing is the fact that at this stage there has been a rather low interest in actually joining, in finding out where some of the agreements are, and I have a suspicion that when that occurs, that will happen.
Translation: While it may appear that Iâve actually said something positive, this passage will ultimately remain vague and untranslatable.
Greenspan: It may well be that some mechanism such as that which we employed in 1983 may be a useful mechanism to get groups together and find out where there are agreements.
Translation: We would call on the same experts we used then, but unfortunately theyâre all retired.
Greenspan: And something has got to give soon because we don't have the choice of not resolving this issue.
Translation: And you think old people are cranky now, just wait until we tell them we spent all their social security money on the spread of democracy.
Greenspan: Extending labor-force participation by just a few years could have a sizable impact on economic output.
Translation: Work or die! The entire economy depends on you.
The preceding piece was donated to Chortler by the Marshall Dunn Satire Emporium.
Greenspan: We were confronted at the time with an almost universal expectation amongst experts that we were dealing with a very large surplus for which there seemed to be no end.
