Updated daily because we have nothing better to do.
Monday, March 14, 2005 02:59:29 AM
TRANSLATIONS The George W. Bush - Vladimir Putin Press Conference Translated
Bush: I've just had a very important and constructive dialogue with my friend.
Translation: I donât speak Russian. So I just read his eyes.
Bush: We agreed that Iran should not have a nuclear weapon.
Translation: Iran shouldnât have all that oil either, but I digress.
Bush: And we agreed that North Korea should not have a nuclear weapon.
Translation: North Korea has created a monopoly in the snow crab market that must be stopped at all costs.
Bush: Yet democracies have certain things in common. They have a rule of law and protection of minorities, a free press and a viable political opposition.
Translation: If youâd read the Ownerâs Manual youâd know that, Vladimir.
Bush: Even though we didn't agree on certain issues, if you really think about what we have done in the last four years and what we want to do during the next four years, the common ground is a lot more than those areas where we disagree.
Translation: There I go talking in my sleep again.
Bush: One thing gave me comfort in making the statement I made in Slovenia was that Vladimir said, "When I agree with you, I'll tell you; and when I disagree with you, I'll tell you."
Translation: He told me my tie made me look fat.
Bush: People do get fired in the American press. They don't get fired by government, however. They get fired by their editors or they get fired by their producers or they get fired by the owners of a particular outlet or network.
Translation: We have a lot more ways than them to get this accomplished.
Putin: What you mentioned about the comments in the media of the actions of the Russian government is testimony to the fact that we do have a freedom of the press.
Translation: We do have a free press ⦠and if they want to stay that way theyâll shut the hell up.
Putin: We're going to remain committed to the fundamental principles of democracy that have been established in the world.
Translation: Not ⦠you ⦠business.
Putin: We talked about international security.
Translation: Now that was a short conversation.
Putin: This has to primarily start with addressing the threats and challenges of today: first and foremost, fighting terrorism.
Translation: Face it. State-sponsored terrorism and war by proxy just arenât as fashionable as they once were in the 80âs.
Putin: It is important to neutralize the attempts to proliferate weapons of mass destruction. And we talked a lot about nonproliferation. We talked a lot about the situation in Iran, about the situation in North Korea.
Translation: Boom!
Putin: ConocoPhillips, as you know, has bought a stake in Lukoil, one of the major Russian oil companies.
Translation: Sell!
Putin: In conclusion, I would like to say that I highly appreciate the outcome of this summit.
Translation: Bye.
The preceding piece was donated to Chortler by the Marshall Dunn Satire Emporium.
Bush: I've just had a very important and constructive dialogue with my friend.
