Updated daily because we have nothing better to do.
Monday, March 14, 2005 02:51:18 AM
TRANSLATIONS Remarks by George W. Bush Regarding Donald Rumsfeld Translated into English
Bush: The Iraqi people need to know that our coalition is fully committed to their independence, that we are fully committed to their national dignity.
Translation: If by 'national dignity' you mean oil reserves, we're all over that.
Bush: The conduct that has come to light is an insult to the Iraqi people and an affront to the most basic standards and decency.
Translation: Let's see: Insult the Iraqi people, check; violate the most basic standards and decency, check. Looks like we're right on schedule for 'lose global standing' and 'endure accusations of hypocrisy.'
Bush: Those responsible for these abuses have caused harm that goes well beyond the walls of a prison. It has given some an excuse to question our cause and to cast doubt on our motives.
Translation: You know, most administrations running for reelection would have thrown somebody into a freaking volcano for this already.
Bush: Because America is committed to the equality and dignity of all people, there will be a full accounting for the cruel and disgraceful abuse of Iraqi detainees.
Translation: Check, please.
Bush: Men and women across the Middle East are watching closely. And they will see America keep its word.
Translation: Don't write that down. I'm sure I'll remember it.
Bush: We will honor rule of law.
Translation: The law of gravity has been amply applied on numerous occasions, and we will continue to honor it until this incident falls completely off the radar.
Bush: You're doing a superb job. You're a strong secretary of defense and our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.
Translation: You're fired! I want to see your letter of resignation on my desk as soon as this whole thing has died down.
The preceding piece was donated to Chortler by the Marshall Dunn Satire Emporium.
