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DEVELOPING STORY State Senator Is 108, Not 98 As Previously Thought
Chortler has obtained documents this week claiming that Throm Sturmond, a state senator from Tennessee, is too old to play on the stateâs legislative softball team. A Chortler investigation of records found in Sturmondâs hometown of Lookout Mountain, Tennessee clearly shows that he is 108 and not 98 as listed on the birth certificate he sent to softball officials, thereby making him eight years older than the age limit of 100 to play on the legislatureâs softball team.
The finding will almost certainly cause the team to forfeit its games. Last week, with Sturmond on the mound, the team defeated the Nashville Pensioners in a tight game lasting a record 34 hours to win the state championship.
"This is tremendous blow to state softball when the emphasis of our game has shifted from winning at all costs to concentrating on someoneâs age," said Frank Polemico, CEO and President of the Tennessee State Senate Softball and T-Ball Association.
"Imagine a politician lying just to gain an unfair advantage. Why I can't believe it!" he added.
Meanwhile, the mood in Lookout Mountain was subdued. "Sure we always suspected he might have been a ringer. But we would have done anything to be the sentimental favorites and capture Americaâs hearts with a win at the championships," said a dejected Mary Lee Jones, a lifelong team supporter who has not missed a game since the team joined the league in 1951.
A victory parade down Lookout Mountainâs main street and a ceremony in which keys to the city were to have been handed out have been canceled pending further investigation.
SPORTS
Scandal Shrouds Tennis Tournament
Controversy surrounded the Chortler Tennis Open this week as Goran Bigotovich, the menâs star, had to answer questions about comments he had made after winning a previous tournament.
Bigotovich tried to defuse the fiery situation by stating, "I am really sorry if I offended any ****s during the course of the tournament. Just because the line judge looks like a **** and the referee is fond of **** does not mean that they are **** as I have repeatedly said they are."
Elsewhere, on the womenâs side, top seed Martina Smashnikov stirred up some controversy of her own after making some unsavory remarks about her rivals. "I am just a tennis player. I really didnât think I would anger any one if I called them a dirty **** and that they were getting sponsorships because they are ****. I am after all just a tennis player and I as a tennis player I didnât know thatâ¦" said a perplexed Smashnikov, a dissident from the tiny European republic of Obressia, who had yet to hear of the Equal Rights Amendment in her adopted homeland.
In related news, Chortler was disappointed to announce that player/spokesmodel Anna Bimbova, who has unfortunately yet to win a tournament, had to pull out of the tournament due to an injury sustained during a recent photo shoot for the Fall issue of Chortler Fashion Magazine.
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